Attachment Theory in Relationship

According to John Bowlby in their paper called Attachment Style, there are four attachment styles. Attachment style is the way people relating in giving and receiving relationships. The foundational attachment theory was founded in 1960s, and then Mary Ainsworth founded three distinct attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant. Later on, Mary Main identified the fourth style, the “disorganized” attachment.

The secure attachment

• Comfortable with intimacy, feel safe, stable, satisfied in relationship.
• Maintains emotional balance and seeks healthy way to manage conflicts.
• Resilient enough to bounce back when there’s a disappointment and misfortune.

Anxious attachment

• Want to be in relationship, craving intimacy, but struggle to trust partner.
• Overly fixated (obsessed) on the other person.
• Overreact to any kind of potential threats to the relationship.
• When away from your partner, you use guilt and manipulative behavior to keep your partner close.

Avoidant attachment

• Independent person and don’t feel you need others.
• Difficult to tolerate intimacy.
• You value your freedom and independence.
• Prone to disregard your partner feelings in order to gain your sense of freedom.

Note: You may think that you don’t need close and intimate relationship with others, but in reality we all do. Even people with avoidant-dismissive still want a meaningful relationship.

Disorganized attachment

• You crave security and love but you also feel unworthy.
• You may be insensitive towards your partner, controlling, which lead to abusive and explosive behavior.
• Intimate relationships are confusing.
• Your childhood might be shaped by abuse, neglect, or trauma.